Digital Narcissism: The New Reality

On Kitty's radio show this week, we talked about and made light of a societal trend that is getting a lot of attention called Digital Narcissism. This refers to a changing set of human behaviors where people are more concerned about their digital personalities...sometimes to the detriment of their actual personalities and social lives.
Social scientists say that the increased use of social networks and virtual environments are physically changing peoples brains, and the changes could be permanent. Even though I am a Facebook user, as are many middle-aged people, the primary impacts of this fundamental transformation of human behavior are on the younger generation, 13-25 who have put these technologies in the center of their lives.
Instead of me ranting on about this, I am featuring the work of a blogger who is 19 years old and a philosophy major at UNCW. He has written on this phenomenon from the point of view of a member of the generation that is most immersed in not only social media, but the virtual worlds provided by gaming, the constant contact of texting, and user created video and music.
Since the guest blogger is my son and I pay all his bills, I have not asked his permission to use his stuff. I simply stole the piece from his blog.
I must say that is feels good to lift other people's content without fear of recrimination or lawsuit. Anyway, I hope you enjoy his essay.
The Reality DilemmaBy: Brooks Venters

We are all becoming virtual. Our bodies aren’t metamorphosing into hordes of 1’s and 0’s or anything, but our perceptual existence is being sucked out of our terrestrial bodies into the infinite escape of the virtual world. Our existence as perceived by most people in our general network of friends, family and acquaintances (aside from the lucky few who actually interact with you regularly in physical reality) is becoming gradually more virtual as online social networking becomes the method of choice in human relations. This virtual social movement is modifying the human thought and cognitive process, as we are beginning to move more towards typed text to express our thoughts over words, which is producing generation after generation (beginning with children born after 1980) of more socially awkward children, silent and distant because they exist only in their own heads and virtual reality. This trend is making children and adults alike pose to themselves a truly horrifying question: What’s better, reality, or virtual reality? More and more, the answer is an omen of a dim, sterile future.

Marshall McLuhan, a professor of Media Studies in the 1960’s and 70’s famous for the controversial “the medium is the message” concept, predicted what is now an abnormal social phenomenon. McLuhan speculated that technology, as a perceivable entity in human reality, is merely an extension of the human body; the wheel being an extension of the human foot, the fork being an extension of the human hand, etcetera. McLuhan speculated that these technologies constantly modify reality as we know it, and can even falsify or disprove realities that we already know. The internet, for example, has become an extension of the human brain: our thought processes are becoming more databasical and robotic as we use facebook as a social spreadsheet to reference. Our reality has been modified in that our thought processes, entertainment, and even social functions are now being carried out through the information super highway. McLuhan was wise beyond his years.

Let’s analyze the UNCW student of 2009, just as an example. So you’re a student and your primary objective is to be successful in your classes. To be successful, you need to keep up with homework assignments, readings, cancelled classes, whatever. Where is all of this accessible? UNCW Seaport. You need to keep in contact with your parents to let them know if you need money in your bank account for food (drugs and alcohol): g-mail. You need music to walk to class to: iTunes, but more importantly Limewire (who pays for music these days?). You need to keep in touch with your high school friends and try to contact that bangin’ girl you met last night at that crazy party: facebook. You need to do a research paper on Buddhism in Popular Culture: Google, Wikipedia, Ask Jeeves (who uses that bullshit anymore?). Finally, when you’re alone in your dorm, depressed because the bangin’ chick hasn’t sent you a facebook message back and it’s been four whole hours: Bang Brothers dot com (until your roommate comes back, in which case you scream, “I’m naked!” while frantically closing your laptop and pulling your pants up).

So it’s fairly obvious that we’re becoming increasingly more dependent on the Internet for our daily functions. Facebook in particular has taken a strange role in our social reality. While it is the perfect networking tool, it has become an alternative reality of representation, a giant party where everyone is exactly the way they wish they were in real life: well-represented.

Facebook is very gender specific, as women take the representation factor to an obscene level, spending hours crafting their facebook image: tagging the pictures of themselves that they took at the last party with the 300 acquaintances that they saw there, untagging the ones where they’re not fully dolled up or smiling perfectly, captioning the pictures with inside jokes, smiley emoticons, and superficial compliments or statements of appreciation for other girls, and finally, naming the album after a song quote from Lil’ Wayne or Nickelback. But that’s just the pictures. Superficial appreciation is the currency of girls’ facebooks, as “I love you!” or “bffff for life gurl!” seem to be the most common forms of conversation on the public walls of the female facebook. Rarely have these girls ever spoken to each other in physical reality, but in the virtual facebook world they have love for each other, or more accurately, for their virtual representation.

Men explore facebook in a much different way than women do. For men, the facebook design is supposed to be crafted conservatively, to exude the overall message of a lack of effort and caring for their facebook. Instead, where men utilize facebook is in the field of stalking, or “creeping” as the girls call it. This may sound disturbing, but males clicking through hundreds of facebook pictures of girls they find attractive has become a normality. It’s like a softcore version of porn: they find a girl they think is hot, whether they’ve met her or not, whether heard of through a friend, or seen while scanning through the pictures of anothers girl's facebook, and learn everything about her by sorting through her pictures, creating a sort of idealization process. This causes male obsession with girls who have no idea the male even exists, a trend that has become far too common for comfort.

Aside from the creeping factor, facebook is much less of an addiction for males, as they may check it four to five times a day while the average female checks it seven to fifteen times a day (this is based purely on personal observation). Instead of facebook, males are addicted to another form of virtual reality, video games. Marshall McLuhan mentioned that the more interactive and physically involved a media is, the more likely it is to consume the consumer. This is very true of video games, as they have become the new dopamine for males of all ages.

As a person who has played video games their entire life, I can personally say that video games are a dangerous and overwhelming addiction. In a reality where our parents are divorced, school is propagated and boring and it’s too hot or cold outside to be active, the virtual reality of video games is a refuge for many. It’s the ultimate escape, the ultimate form of an alternate reality, where you can really do anything you want; this is why video games are dangerous. An increasing number of males in today’s time are failing and falling out of our institutional system not because of drug or alcohol addiction, not because they are criminals, but because they want to be ranked the highest in online Halo 3 tournaments. It’s the ultimate in falsely gratifying virtual reality, even more than facebook, because with video games, you truly accomplish nothing.

So how is this false existence affecting us socially? It has invaded us socially, that’s what. Girls are now discussing who said what on facebook in the real world, complaining to their boyfriends about not writing on their wall enough, guys know everything about every hot girl at their school, including name, year, and relationship status. Men are not leaving their rooms for days due to the neverending quest to be the best online gamer. We’re all becoming better at conversating through text, and our oral social skills are suffering because of it. Our brains, no longer made to survive in a primal environment, are becoming active and aware only in front of computer screens. It is questionable trend that is compacting and containing us all, as the seperation of reality and virtual reality is being blurred and many people are choosing the latter.

The Summer (Crazy) Crash Diet Imperative

Seems like there are two times of the year when we make the decision to try to lose some weight...New Years; because we are supposed to make resolutions that will change our lives and the beginning of summer; because we look like whales in our bathing suits.

Although New Years spawns diets, they tend to be more sensible and many times are tied to health club memberships and that sort of thing such that weight loss is more gradual and healthy. Of course most of these efforts fail which leads to “The Summer Crash Diet Imperative”, a panic caused by the need to go from whale-like to Jennifer Anniston-like in a very short period of time.

This annual rite of summer has spurned some bizarre diet schemes ranging from the ingestion of drug laced candy, to the use of fat burning soaps, a partnership with parasites and even a drug induced weight shedding coma. A wonderful history of some of these complete with step by step instructions is available courtesy of Elle Magazine, a purveyor of unattainable female body role models for over 50 years.

A few of my favorites include the "Candy Diet", which was driven by “Ayds Reducing Plan Chocolate Candy”. In this 70’s diet, you hammered chocolate fudge all day long which had been laced with an appetite suppressant called PPA that was later found to cause strokes in young women.

When I was a kid, Ayds was “the desert of last resort” when the Oreos and Twinkies had run out. My mother kept her Ayds stash on top of the fridge where the box would accumulate a layer of really nasty dust. In a desert panic, I would quaff a couple of these drug-laced chocolately treats and then go chase cars with the dog...which would have been a good way to lose weight if I was fifty...not five.

The AIDs epidemic ended the long running candy diet because people evidently confused unsafe sex with massive chocolate consumption, (no kidding) and Ayds drug candy went away.

Another diet of last resort required the symbiotic partnership between man and parasitic flatworms. The so called “Tapeworm Diet” was popular in the 1920’s among race horse jockeys where they would pop a pill containing a live tapeworm egg. Maria Callas, the famous opera singer was the poster child for this diet. She lost 60 pounds with the help of her pet worm but she blamed her love for raw liver as the cause instead of a purposeful ingestion of tapeworm eggs. Whatever.

Of course you can’t talk about anything crazy involving eating, gaining and losing weight, and drugs without mentioning Elvis. He spent most of his last years either ballooning 50 pounds on the bacon cheeseburger diet or crash dieting using the “Sleeping Beauty Diet”. The theory here is that if you are heavily sedated for days and never leave the bed, then you will not eat and you’ll “sleep off” the weight. There is a question as to whether Elvis actually knew about this diet or just inadvertently practiced it.

Elvis and Maria Callas are just a few of the celebrities who are known for wacked out weight lose schemes. Reese Witherspoon, (The Baby Food Diet), Guy Richie (The Cookie Diet), Beyonce, (The Master Cleanse) and Sarah Michelle Gellar, (The Cabbage Soup Diet) are just a few luminaries whose hot bodies are attributed to upside down nutrition.

Speaking of luminaries, Kitty Kinnin has her own diet scheme that my wife and I tried with some success. It’s called “Kitty’s Head Banging Rock and Roll Diet” and its based on the mostly healthy idea that losing weight should involve both draconian dietary restrictions and some exercise. And like most things “Kitty”, the diet should be fun and increase ratings.

Nutritionally the diet consists of thick, black “Bad Kitty Blend” coffee and unglazed donuts (from the donut shop of your choice). You just turn on her radio show at 100.7 The River, crank the volume and start hammering coffee and donuts in tandem. She will be playing head banging rock and roll (Boston, Journey, Aerosmith, etc.) in 15 minute increments. Stand in front of the speakers (so that you can get the best stereo effect) and play air guitar vigorously while simultaneously moving your head and upper torso up and down in the “head banging” mode.

Do this until she goes to commercial when you can rest and write down the name and address of all her sponsors. Repeat the process when she goes back to the ear splitting music. I am told by Kitty’s personal chiropractor and herbalist that if you do this diet every morning its good for your lutes, glutes and poots and you WILL lose weight.

Remember, tapeworms are nasty (they actually have six rows of teeth) and sleeping to lose weight denies you some great television. If you have to lose weight in a hurry, do something sensible and healthy.

Dumb Down for Love

Birds do it, bees do it...even the lowly earthworm does it. It appears to be naturally easy finding a mate and reproduce cause most bugs and animals are experts at it. But according to some recent research, really smart humans might be the most clueless creatures on Earth when it comes to this basic biological function. And if you assume brilliant humans are the very top of the food chain, then this research apparently contradicts of the Darwinian notion of “survival of the fittest”.

In fact, the research seems to point towards the need to “dumb down for love”. Smart people tend to spend more time on achievements than relationships and tend to be bored by common folk. They view all of their achievements as “mental jewelry” versus the gold chains of common folk. What they don’t get is that “mental jewelry” is completely invisible and irrelevant when trying to garner sexual interest at a loud single’s bar.

Even worse smart folks “over think” the whole dating thing causing these people to “shoot themselves in the foot” on dates. (if they ever get to go on one) In short the study concludes "the smarter you are, the more clueless you will be, and the more problems you're going to have in your dating life. When all of your personal energy is concentrated in the head, it never gets a chance to trickle down to the heart, or, god forbid, the groin"

I won’t spend much time here paraphrasing the research...you should click the link and go read it. (Ironically, if you believe the research, being able to read might interfere with your sex life, so if you are reading this you need to read the article....get it?)

I do offer some of the following suggestions to the parents of smart kids that could help correct the problem.

Assumption: Smart kids usually come from smart families.

Correction: If we are so smart, how did we successfully reproduce?

Assumption: Smart families are usually achievement-oriented.

Correction: Hey kid, if you are so smart, go find a girlfriend.

Assumption: Bring home those straight As and awards, son.

Correction: ...and a hot blonde.

Assumption: Get into those top colleges, daughter.

Correction: ...and pledge a sorority that is known for its airheads.

Assumption: Take piano, violin, tennis, swimming and gymnastics.

Correction: ..and don’t forget the Tantric Sex lessons.

And hey, smarty pants, let’s do some math. If you are in the top 5% of intelligence, (which you achieve by having a 125 IQ or higher) and are looking for someone in the same category for hot dates discussing quantum mechanics, monoclonal antibodies or the Uncertainty Principle, you have a numbers problem. You've just eliminated 95% of the world's population as a potential date. And given your probable high level of pickiness, at the end of the day only 1 in 5 of those remaining Mensas (a society of really smart people who have no sex life) will meet your criteria.

When you do the rest of the math, (and I’m sure you will), you will discover there is just a handful of folks who would/could go to “The Melting Pot” with you and discuss whether Karl Marx or Adam Smith was right, whilst ignoring the melted cheese hanging from your stringy Shakespearian beard.

Listen geek boy! “All the way back Australopithecus even further back to monkeys, to lizards, to the first amphibian that crawled out of the slime, the fish that preceded that amphibian, the worm before the fish and the amoeba that preceded the worm.

And you, YOU, in the year 2009 C.E., the culmination of that miraculously unbroken line of succession, you, Homo sapiens sapiens, not just thinking man but thinking thinking man (or woman), are the only one smart enough to screw the whole thing up.”

Luckily, my wife and I don’t have to worry about any of this. We entertain ourselves watching and re-watching romantic comedies on TV (usually starring Jennifer Aniston, Reese Witherspoon, or Vince Vaughn). We like “Iron Chef”, Katie Couric, and The Weather Channel. My goal in life is to surf more...her’s is to get a great tan.

I finally learned my lesson about “smarty pants talk” when I brought up with my wife the possibility that the Large Hadron Collider was going to create a black hole that would swallow the Earth, whilst we were nibbling fried cheese at The Olive Garden. She reminded me that end of the world theories are not proper dinner conversation, even if they are concocted by hacks. She was right...I wasn’t going to let my concern about capturing the elusive Higgs boson get in the way of a great dinner (with unlimited salad) and how stupid could this guy be to think that The Standard Model would allow such limited creatures like us (at least sexually) be the creators of our own demise?

Recession Squeezing Men’s Underwear

So this nasty recession/depression keeps dragging on, and it continues to be amazing all the different ways that people are learning to cope. We already covered the drop in toilet paper sales, and now the word is that men’s underwear has dropped...sales wise that is.

And according to the former chairman of the Federal Reserve, Alan Greenspan, (who some blame for this mess) it is a leading indicator “that people are feeling pinched” (and not just because they are wearing squeezers).

"If you look at sales of male underpants it's just pretty much a flat line, it hardly ever changes," writes Greenspan. "But on those few occasions where it dips that means that men are so pinched that they are deciding not to replace underpants. And [Greenspan] said 'that is almost always a prescient, forward impression that here comes trouble.'"

Well, here comes trouble.

A revised survey shows relatively large drops in the sales of men's underwear in the United States. The study projects a 2.3 percent drop in sales of all men's underwear products in 2009. Underscoring just how quickly the market has gone south, in November 2008, forecast sales were to grow by 2.6 percent in 2009. A serious downturn led to a serious revision.

Greenspan says that if you think about all the garments in the household, the garment that is most private is the male underpant, because nobody sees it except people in the locker room, but who cares," (I don’t) "Your children need clothes, your wife needs clothes that have to change, your children grow, you need clothes on the outside. But the last purchase that you don't have to make is underpants.... [men wear them until they are in] total tatters."

This was the way I operated even before the recession. I only get new underwear when my wife buys them for me, usually because she is disgusted with my old worn out undies, or when my mom gives them to me for Christmas, which she does every year assuming that I have worn out what she gave me last year (she also gives me socks, handkerchiefs, electric nose hair clippers and unique condiments...I have never had to buy any of those items in my life thanks to her).

It appears, that as per usual, men are making a sacrifice for the common good by putting their underwear purchases behind everyone else's needs, but guys, lets admit it, all underwear is more comfortable when threadbare. In fact, NOTHING is more uncomfortable than a crisp new pair of boxers or set of new briefs or squeezers with fresh elastic...its raising my voice an octave just thinking about those horrid things. In the case of the squeezers, they almost have to be old and stretched out to be wearable.

So I took a look at the women’s underwear market for signs of a downturn focusing on the Victoria’s Secret catalog. I can tell you nothing was turning down in that research source, in fact most of their items were looking up quite nicely. And the prices...jeez.

Could it be that women might be upgrading their underwear in bad times?

Not only are they upgrading, they are introducing new technology at the same time. “There is a a new, ‘smart’ bra that boosts a woman’s cleavage when she feels sexy.

The bra “detects changes in body temperature brought on by sexual arousal and squeezes breasts together to create bigger cleavage. expanding foam in the cups will loosen or tighten to adapt to the size of the wearer's breasts as they get hotter.”

Some advice girls from Mr. Science; when wearing this miracle garment outside, make sure you are either facing the sun or have your back to it, never sit with it to either side, otherwise you will develop an embarrassing symmetry problem.

"It's healthier than an ordinary bra because it will always provide the perfect fit," said a company spokesman. Oh...its for their health. Of course, men don’t need this kind of thing in their underwear because Mother Nature has provided a remarkable temperature control system down there which is both useful and potentially embarrassing at the same time.

So in the Great Recession of 2009, the men are walking around in underwear that’s barely holding together while the women are sporting new bras that change the apparent size and shape of their breasts based on their moods. I guess I’m OK with that...whatever it takes to get through this mess. Apparently, for women, feeling sexy is the antidote for feeling poor. I’m just glad I have an excuse for still wearing my 4 year old green boxers with little martini glasses on them. Bottoms up!

Ugly Middle Aged Drinkers

“To alcohol... The cause of, and solution to, all of life's problems.”

Homer Simpson, TV star and middle-age icon.

I have always thought that Homer’s profoundly simple view of the world was the result of a sort of post-modern Buddha-like trance brought on by sitting spread legged on the couch, staring at baseball and taking deep swigs of beer. (Instead of sitting in the woods in the lotus position, murmuring guttural mantras and taking deep breaths of air.) The result is similar: Homer goes into a profound stupor, the Buddha into a profound calmness. It there much difference?

Of course there is! And even worse, according to a recent study, Homer’s trance-like state may the result of his age. The new study shows older people are less likely to realize how alcohol is affecting them. “Drinking seems to impair older people more than their younger drinking buddies. Also, older people are less likely to realize how the alcohol is affecting them”.

As a bartender friend of mine at a popular local watering hole for middle age folks said, “The hard part about my job is figuring out who is drunk and who is just stupid.”

The study was based on research with 42 older participants between the ages of 50 and 74 and 26 younger participants between the ages of 25 and 35. Although peak breath-alcohol measures were similar between the older and younger groups of drinkers, older participants who had received alcohol took longer to complete a simple test than the younger participants did.

According to the study: ‘The performance age gap did not happen with non-drinkers. A difference wasn't seen between the older participants and younger participants who had consumed non-alcoholic beverages. (However, all of the non-drinking participants in the study reported immense boredom in their lives and displayed interesting other addictions such as obscene chocolate sundays, reality TV and model trains)

Also, older drinkers were less likely to realize they were impaired at the testing 25 minutes after alcohol consumption. That can be dangerous, as older drinkers may think they are fine to drive when they are not.

“An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with his fools” said Ernest Hemmingway, a famous middle-aged writer/drinker.

He was referring to how often drinking is a social occasion, and according to the same study, consumption among older adults is likely to become a larger public health issue for this very reason.

More than half of adults over the age of 55 drink in social settings, and the percentage of the population that is older is projected to increase dramatically over the next couple of decades. By 2030, one-in-five U.S. residents will be over the age of 65.

I can tell you this from experience. Do not ride a motorcycle or bicycle in areas of dense retirement populations like exist in Florida. You will be in mortal danger.

Other than the fact that we middle-agers can’t handle our booze, we also are the age where we are most likely to have teenagers who could be experimenting with drinking. Since we are smarter than them and can handle alcohol better than them (not), our generation sometimes hypocritically try to stop them from drinking altogether.

As another sage alcoholic middle-ager Hunter S. Thompson once said, “I hate to advocate drugs, alcohol, violence, or insanity to anyone, but they always worked for me.

Wrong! Yet another new study found that : “Most importantly, set a good example and moderate your own drinking. Your children will likely adopt drinking habits similar to your own. “Do as I say, not as I do” is not an effective stance.”

This same study says that if you do drink, you should teach your children to drink at a fairly young age, so that when they start having access to it socially, they will know how to handle it. In this way they “ will be able to pass up temptation at teen parties. You hope that they will view getting drunk, or other drug use, as foolish rather than as interesting or sophisticated.

Let’s go back to Homer Simpson’s parenting methods, which have been criticized by many. He regularly makes a fool out of himself in front of his children. How many of our own friends have we seen doing this after too much to drink? The question is whether Bart and Lisa will realize their Dad is making a fool out of himself and turn out differently. And will our own children benefit or be hurt by witnessing the antics of drunken parents? I’m betting that the parents who conduct themselves responsibly and demonstrate the right way to drink will have better luck.

Looking for Some Really Good Dirt

Remember mud pies when you were a kid? You could make them without a stove or help from the grownups...just a little water, some dirt, preferable dark and musty, and voila...a tasty treat. And although a little gritty, and occasionally wormy, the result was strangely satisfying and oddly natural.

Alas, there was always the moment when the grownups discovered your culinary adventure, and would scream in horror for you to stop. Usually a thorough washing of the hands and mouth followed, and a stint in the corner of your bedroom.

Well, as it turns out, your natural inclination towards dirt delicacies was a healthy habit ingrained by evolution, according to new research. In studies of what is called the hygiene hypothesis, researchers are concluding that organisms like the millions of bacteria, viruses and especially worms that enter the body along with “dirt” spur the development of a healthy immune system. Several continuing studies suggest that worms may help to redirect an immune system that has gone awry and resulted in autoimmune disorders, allergies and asthma.

The research says that it is instinctive for babies to constantly picking things up from the floor or ground and put them in their mouths, and that’s how babies explore the world. But why the mouth, when sight, hearing, touch and even scent are far better at identifying things?

One researcher even noticed how children would enjoy good crushed rock or dried dog droppings and then turn down delicious mashed potatoes.

According to the research: “Since all instinctive behaviors have an evolutionary advantage or they would not have been retained for millions of years, chances are that this one too has helped us survive as a species. And, indeed, accumulating evidence strongly suggests that eating dirt is good for you.”

These studies, along with epidemiological observations, seem to explain why immune system disorders like multiple sclerosis, Type 1 diabetes, inflammatory bowel disease, asthma and allergies have risen significantly in the United States and other developed countries.

Meanwhile, good parents everywhere have apparently been doing the opposite of what nature intended. Everywhere you look, parents are slathering antibacterial lotions and soaps on their kids and anything they touch. Kids for the most part aren’t even allowed to play in the dirt anymore, yet their Wii remote and their pacifiers are sanitized to hospital operating room standards. (Which actually ain’t that good. Could it be the pandemic of operating room staph infections is somehow related to the lack of dirt in our diet?)

The other problem is the quality of the dirt in our yards in today’s times. A good dirt yard is sort of like mine: full of organic, live bacteria and dog droppings. The look of our good dirt yard is is witnessed by the plethora of weeds, some edible including dandelions, wild strawberries and daisies. I tell my wife that this is the reason I like the weeds in our yard. If I was to hit it with chemicals, great looking grass would grow, but make the dirt inedible.

Bad dirt yards are easy to spot and they are everywhere. Perfectly green grass and manicured landscaping gives it away. This look equals weed killers like Roundup, fertilizers imbued with stuff to make bombs with (no kidding) and heavy metals. Perhaps eating this dirt inoculates kids from future toxins but the bacteria is mostly dead. And forget the dog droppings....last I heard its a $200 dollar fine in Wrightsville Beach for leaving well enough alone.

For grins, I tried to make a mud pie from the soil of my next door neighbors yard, who has the most obnoxiously beautiful grass and plants I have ever seen. (my wife reminds me of it daily). I also for the sake of a controlled experiment took the same amount of mud pie ingredients from my organic yard. Using the same amount of water on both soils, I put both mixes into a standard pie pan and let sit for about an hour.

The results were amazingly different considering the source soils where just one yard (not the unit of measure) apart and from the same neighborhood. My neighbor’s mud pie was sort of cement smelling to the nose, pasty to the tongue, strangely devoid of any organic overtones and it left a metallic aftertaste that I could not shake. Worse, for some reason my arms went numb for about 15 minutes.

After regaining the use of my hands and thoroughly washing my mouth out with soap, (like my mother used to do) I tried the pie from my yard. It had a sort of sweetness to the nose, and while gritty, actually had some chewiness to it. It even seemed to have an essence of fine escargot and truffles, which may explain the movement I detected just beneath the surface of the pie. The finish was reminded me of a combination of arugula and sweet strawberries that may have been allowed to ferment for some period.

I asked my wife to try the pies as well to help confirm my findings. She refused because according to her: “I don’t like mushrooms or escargot, and I want a yard like our neighbors! I don’t care how good our yard tastes! Have you lost your mind?!

Recession Taking a Toll on People's Backsides: Toilet Paper Use Down

OK, so I am standing in the toilet paper aisle at the Harris Teeter staring at a wall of white rolls clad in all sorts of colorful packaging claiming all kinds of benefits for my backside. Of course that is how toilet paper is marketed...either because it feels good (which makes it more expensive) or it doesn't (but is a much better deal). I figured that if people wanted to save money, their butt was always the sacrificial lamb of sorts, and they would still be using the same amount of toilet paper, just a cheaper brand. But I have just read that people are using LESS toilet paper of all kinds because of the recession, and I am trying to figure out how to do that.

According to Advertising Age Magazine "People long have taken for granted that some categories of consumer goods, such as toilet paper, truly are recession-proof. Turns out that, like many assumptions, is wrong. As a result of the recession, consumers went beyond trading down to cheaper, private-label products and actually bought less toilet paper of any kind. The recession has turned bad enough that people bought less toilet paper — about 5.5% less last quarter in the U.S., according to Kimberly Clark Corp. Chairman-CEO Tom Falk, who blamed the economy for disappointing fourth-quarter earnings and a weak forecast for 2009."

Whilst standing there trying to work this out, I pulled out my trusted iPhone and searched Google for "how to save toilet paper" I was led to a site called FrugalFamilies.com. These were their suggestions.

"1.Use less. (Duh) The standard frugal guide is three or four sheets. If you fold it instead of grabbing a bunch and crinkling it up, you will need less. A wad of toilet paper will have more sheets in it that a fold." (this is a known scientific fact)

"2. Buy a lower priced brand. I think this works only to a point. If the paper is too thin, you'll wind up using more of it. Some people swear their family uses the same amount no matter which brand they buy." (and your butt will hate you for it.)

"3. Separate two-ply paper into two rolls. A friend of mine swears this works. When she gets home from the store, she and the kids go to work separating out the two ply roll so that there is a layer or "ply" per roll. She uses empty toilet paper tubes to roll the separated toilet paper and keep things neat." (Freud called this "Anal Retentive Syndrome" which is a precursor to "Obsessive Compulsive Syndrome" which is supposedly caused by kids being potty trained too soon. I know a lot of people with this affliction but would not even think about consulting them for this article, knowing how wound up it would make them.)

"4. Use something else. Beside newspaper, frugal people use all sorts of things as a substitute for toilet paper." (The chick that is now famous for buying a PC instead of a Mac in the new Microsoft ad says she uses leaves from her yard to save money...)

"You can make your own flannel wipes to dry yourself. Flannel can be bought for less than $1 a yard sometimes, especially if it is a seasonal flannel. Cut the flannel into squares and you are all set. You will need a bucket or wipe box to store the used flannel until you have enough to wash." (Yes flannel...not terry cloth...not silk...not old cotton tee shirts...must be flannel)

"You can also just rinse with a squirt bottle and use a washcloth to dry. You might even get cleaner with a rinse instead of wiping with toilet paper." (In other words go buy a bidet. Men...get used to it.)

Truth in Marketing?

Although toilet-paper marketers are promoting more sheets, more layers and the added sanitation of wet wipes, the promises don't always hold true. More plies aren't always stronger according to Consumer Reports. (speaking of Anal Retentive Syndrome, a magazine that caters to those types)

To test toilet paper Consumer Reports technicians measured how much lead shot dampened sheets could hold before they broke. "The strongest sheets were thickest and typically had two plies compared with just one for rolls that scored lower. However, Quilted Northern Ultra Plus has three plies and it was neither thickest nor strongest, and Scott Extra Soft proved about as strong as many two-ply rolls, despite having just one." According to CR, "Scott 1000, (my favorite brand) at 6 cents per 100 sheets, delivered the most sheets for the lowest price, however its individual sheets were thinner than that of most other brands tested."

In our family we test our toilet paper not with lead shot but with a high fiber diet that is recommended by People Magazine and many of the famous inhabitants of Malibu, California. While we have found this diet almost useless for controlling our weight, it day in and day out provides a great testing ground for toilet paper.

What we have discovered is that we use the same amount of toilet paper every month, no matter what the brand, so the only way to save money is buy the cheapest and most hardy brand. Again, let me suggest Scott 1000, or the "Endless Roll" as my son calls it. (He is a surfer and loves that movie, "The Endless Summer" and movie allusions are encouraged in our house.)

You cannot go wrong with a toilet paper brand that's name sounds more like a racing bike, and touts strength, performance and longevity over comfort and gentleness. Use Scott 1000 for a month, and your butt will feel just like you road The Tour de France on said racing bike as well. But you'll save serious money.

True story, I went on an adult Outward Bound kayak trip in the Bahamas where 12 people, men and women had to share one roll of toilet paper for over a week. There simply wasn't the room for more toilet paper after we had stuffed the boats with food, water, tents, sleeping bags and other provisions. Well, as you can imagine, the roll didn't even last a day. Let me just say that the palm trees down there do not supply a natural alternative. The next thing you know, people are standing on the shoreline, looking longingly at the water, and not because the wanted to go snorkeling. Everyone sort of had to make do (do) with what was available which was an entire ocean serving as sort of a natural bidet.

It was gentle and soft as a Caribbean breeze. Sounds like a great tag line for a new toilet paper brand.