Tuesday, December 14, 2010

"Kitty Kinnin's North Carolina": Watch out Sarah!

So I was watching "Sarah Palin's Alaska" the other night and it was so funny, I thought it was a "Saturday Night Live" special starring Tina Fey.  But then Bristol Palin…or someone who looked a lot like she does on "Dancing with the Stars" was on the show too and well, I couldn't think of any of the SNL crew that looks like her so I was like "Dude..maybe this is real".   Could it be possible?

After watching Sarah and Bristol getting blood on their hands from the slaughter of a variety of animals and climbing mountains with designer ropes and fleeces, all for the very first time,  it occurred to me that:  1.  North Carolina has more things to do than Alaska and 2. Kitty Kinnin is certainly more versatile than Sarah.  So, why not do a real reality show with someone who has actually done real things here, in North Carolina?

I know for fact Kitty has rafted some of the world's most dangerous rivers, fought her way to the front row of some of the most raucous rock concerts and tasted some of NC's most challenging foods ( I saw her eating raw meat being cut directly off an organic beef carcass…really…no kidding…I have video).  

Kitty has been committed to NC her whole career and never once quit a job to pursue politics/money, a book deal/money or a TV show/money.  So we are thinking this is the time for her to breakout like Sarah but in a substantially different way.  She will not quit her morning show/no money job to do a TV show/no money deal….she will shoehorn the Kitty Kinnin reality show into her already busy schedule doing REAL things in NC.

Among the many exciting things she will be doing on the show includes:  Deer hunting in Edgecombe County.  In this episode, she will be decked in designer camouflage complete with blaze orange accessories all by "Mossy Oak".  Her gun, a semi-automatic 30-06 will be of the Springfield variety….and she will be wearing Doe Urine from "Buck Magic".  Her beer will be "Rolling Rock", her whiskey "Jim Beam" and her smokeless tobacco "Skoal". 

Of course in the event she successfully "bags" a deer, she will be reciting all of these sponsors in much the same way a Nascar driver does after he hits the wall and is interviewed on the way out of the ambulance (this will take some coaching, but there is a company in Charlotte that specializes in it).   BTW, we tried to get a "factory" truck sponsorship for this section but for lack of time choose a local yokel's chopped truck called "Redneck 1".  This vehicle had parts from all the major manufacturers holding it together, but I would say its mostly a GMC.

Shots of Kitty skinning and butchering the deer will be integral to the show if she has any chance of competing with Sarah…who while beating a Halibut senseless with a billy club (really happened) got blood all over her and it grossed Bristol out bad.  In preparation, we had Kitty practice on a fresh pork butt from the Piggly Wiggly (not a sponsor yet but trying…anybody know someone there?).   Even though she gagged a bunch and didn't have an appetite for a few days after the training she thought she could fake it for the camera.  We are however, looking for a body double just in case.

Other shows in the planning stages are:  Surfing with the sharks in Hatteras, eating barbecue in both Kinston and Lexington on the same day (to compare the vinegar-based versus the ketchup-based in close proximity).  She will be walking out on the "Mile High Swinging Bridge" at Grandfather Mountain all by her lonesome and without ropes or restraining devices.  Also, she will driving a race car with Jeff in Charlotte and working out with the Tar Heels and Roy in Chapel Hill.

Since everyone in the US thinks that most NC residents make their living somehow connected to either hog raising or tobacco, we are looking for a farm to do that segment.  Oh yeah, and we're going to shoot a piece called "Rocky Mount: The Birthplace of Hardees".  This one should do well in the California market because they call the chain "Carl's Jr."  out there and most people like to know the history of these sort of things….especially those pointy headed CA liberals.

The show is a work in progress, so if any of you have some ideas please let us know.  BTW, we really do need a body double for Kitty before we can start shooting, so anyone who knows a tall brunette with either Roller Derby or Mud Wrestling experience who isn't working right now should contact us.  Thanks much.